narwhal-noir:

I took my girlfriend to an improv show the other night and during intermission we were passionately arguing over whether half a 5 Hour Energy shot would give you 2.5 hours of energy or 5 hours of half-assed energy so we turned around to ask the opinions of the three people behind us and one of them said “Are all your arguments like this because we heard you in the lobby earlier fighting over the right way to pronounce ‘egg’?”

309,036 notes

pugstumes:

first pug on the moon
nikkipher:

THIS ONE TIME A KID IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD WAS LATE GETTING HOME BECAUSE HE WAS BUYING DRUGS SO HE TOLD HIS MOM HE GOT KIDNAPPED AND SHE MADE HIM REPORT IT TO THE POLICE AND HE DESCRIBED THE KIDNAPPER AS COUNT OLAF AND THEN THIS HAPPENED

miss-grace:

Are you ever just overwhelmed by the horrifying thought that maybe, nobody ACTUALLY wants you around? And it’s not that you think everyone hates you, but it’s just that you’re not special to anyone? And that its really kind of sucky that you’re about 98% sure that nobody thinks “Wow, I just really like talking to her.” and that you could probably just disappear without anyone caring that much?

552,494 notes

aarteries:

Sometimes you just want someone to drive with and show them your favorite songs.
"Sometimes you just have to try, even if you know it won’t work."Junot Díaz, Drown (via feellng)

3,403 notes

typically-unique:

I want to be one of those people who does yoga and eats berries for breakfast, but I’m one of those people who stays in bed until 4 pm and eats pizza. 

268,035 notes

How to finger a girl

1. Use your tongue

135,895 notes

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